So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
only if we run a train.
done.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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