I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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