I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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