Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just tell him i said nine months
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You are the jesus of drinking
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize