If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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