She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
