he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize