"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
