this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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