So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
