So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
