I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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