she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
