coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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