thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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