Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
