this beer tastes like vomit already
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
why is half of my head shaved?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
