thus making me awesome and them whores
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
