I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
