.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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