You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
