Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
