yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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