worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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