Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
