fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
