Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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