Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
