just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
