I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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