Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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