You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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