I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize