never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
