I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
