Umm I'm too high to move.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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