he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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