I just made out with a guy for $7.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
