the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
