plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
