The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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