What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
