get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
