fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
