Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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