I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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