I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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