Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
