He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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