Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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