Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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