You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
