I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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