I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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