Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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