if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
