wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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