he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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