I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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