so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
