dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize